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  • Writer's pictureDr. Jill

But I don’t wanna do this…

This post originally appeared 6/18 on my blog site

Ever had a temper tantrum? I don’t mean a “venting” session but a good old temper tantrum. Sometimes ya just need one. Here I am, 49 years old, having a temper tantrum. Why? Cause I don’t wanna do this! Do what you ask? Well….

I’m finishing up my second year PhD program. Now is the time when it kicks into high gear. There are classes to take, literature reviews to be done, decisions to be made about dissertation topic, articles to read, research to be done…you get the picture. All while working a full time job, seeing private practice clients, maintaining a home and trying to spend quality time with the loves of my life (my partner and our dog). Oh, and let’s not forget adjusting to the new 3rd shift schedule my partner was recently promoted to. Is it any wonder why I threw a temper tantrum?

So here I am, up to my eyeballs in research and it’s time for my partner to leave for work. That’s when it starts. “I don’t want to do this anymore. What the hell was I thinking? I hate research. Everyone else in my cohort knows what they want to do for their dissertation. I can’t do this. All I want to do is enjoy the summer and go on adventures.” It lasted a good three minutes. And, this whole time, those beautiful blue eyes looked at me, the strong arms comforted me and I felt safe. Then I heard, “Are you done?” I smiled and said, “Maybe.” “Ok. You got this, babe. You can do it. I know you can.” Yeah, well, you don’t have to sit in front of the computer reading stuff you don’t understand I thought.

This whole temper tantrum thing got me thinking. How many times do we plow through something we don’t want to do? How many times do we actually say enough is enough and stop doing whatever it is? I was listening to a podcast (my newest craze) on my way home from work yesterday. It was a devotional titled “You Got This.” In a nutshell, God doesn’t lead us into places He doesn’t want us to be. He provides the path, the support and the love to you so that you can accomplish His will. I needed this reminder. I didn’t really set out to begin a PhD program when I was in my late 40’s. (ouch) I was led to do this. Everything fell into place and I have a wonderful support system so that I can accomplish my goal.

So now it’s time to pull up my big girl panties, take a deep breath and kick it up a notch. I don’t wanna do this is now I gotta do this and I got this. So, my dear reader, if you have to have a temper tantrum, go right ahead but learn from it. Whatever it is you don’t wanna do remember, with God all things are possible.

Until next time,

Dr. Jill

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